Tragically Hip

INTRODUCTION: Last night, as I awaited the Zombies' performance at Town Hall, I saw opening act Arthur Lee—the convicted felon who leads Sixties rock group Love—make the audience cheer with a cheap shot at our president. How hard is it to get a New York audience to laugh at a Bush-bashing jab? It reminded me of what Julia Gorin and other New Yorkers like Karol have noted—the fashionable fascism of this town, which assumes that nobody with a brain or a hipster sensibility could possibly support George W. Bush.

So I went home and stayed up 'til past 4 a.m. writing down everything that could possibly make me hip in a New Yorker's eyes. I want New Yorkers, and anybody who watches "Sex and the City" or otherwise models their sensibilities on Big Apple chic, to Google the following piece and discover that—SHOCK! HORROR!—somebody who has or had "good" cultural values actually supports the president.

Please note that not every personal revelation in the following piece is something I'm proud of—but it's all true:

My idea of an ideal Saturday is catching a ride with a friend or family, and going to garage sales and flea markets, and I am voting for George W. Bush. • My favorite clothes come from thrift stores, and I support the president. • I can easily identify Tex Avery's directorial style and can also quote fellow cartoon great Friz Freleng's "Little Red Riding Rabbit" cartoon with glee, and I am a registered Republican. • I also know that Red Riding Hood's signature tune "Five O'Clock Whistle" was a hit for Ella Fitzgerald, and I believe it was right to remove Saddam from power, even if he did not possess weapons of mass destruction. • I was a writer for the Web site of Kim's Video in the East Village, and I am a right-wing religious conservative. • My boss was a French-educated Palestinian communist anarchist transvestite who once showed up at work wearing the same outfit as me, much to my chagrin, and I believe President Bush was right to sign the Partial-Birth Abortion Act. • I interviewed Brian Wilson twice, once for print and once for radio, and I believe drugs should not be legalized. • Brian asked me to walk him down the hall and wait outside the men's room because he was too scared to walk down a strange hallway by himself, and I agree with President Bush when he says we have to change the culture. • The writings of Philip K. Dick have had a profound effect on me, and I believe that Rick Santorum was right when he warned that the Lawrence vs. Texas sodomy decision would break down legal barriers to incest and polygamy. • Michael Palin walked up to me in front of the entire "Regis and Kathy Lee" studio audience during a commercial break, and stunned me with a kiss on the mouth, and I believe that parents should have consent over their underage children's medical procedures—including abortion. • I worked at the World Trade Center during the summer of 2001, doing publicity for rock concerts, and I believe the Patriot Act gives the government necessary tools for the war on terror. • I read Sir Richard Burton's translation of the Kama Sutra with avid interest, even though it had no pictures, and I now believe that it is wrong to pursue sex as an end in itself, or as a tool to win another person. • I persuaded women from the National Coalition Against Censorship to join me in picketing PMRC head Tipper Gore as she signed copies of her book Raising PG Children in an X-Rated Society, and I still can't stand Tipper, but I believe children should not be exposed to graphic sexual images and language. • I currently own two items of PVC clothing, and I believe Rudy Giuliani was right to clean up 42nd Street. • One of them is a jacket, and I am voting for George W. Bush. • I caught a ride in a limo with dear Joey Ramone, who told me about his foot surgery, and I believe Ronald Reagan was a great president regardless of his going to Bitburg. • I had "honeymoon disease" three or four times and never was on a honeymoon, and I am glad that I got a tax rebate courtesy of George W. Bush. • I took unsweetened cranberry juice and "good" bacteria, and it worked almost as quickly as the antibiotics would have, and I don't believe John Kerry's got a plan that would have helped me. • The next time I get the "disease" will be on my honeymoon, and I believe men and women should uphold the institution of marriage and defend it against those who would reduce its meaning to mere legal benefits. • I wish I looked like Nico before she got all bloated from drugs and booze, and I believe that the president is right to limit federal funds for embryonic stem-cell research. • Working for a nightclub, I shepherded legendary bluesman Lowell Fulson through the check-in process at the Gramercy Park Hotel, and I support the Bush administration's faith-based initiative. • By the way, I did not go upstairs with him, and he was a perfect gentleman, and I believe our president is right to support school vouchers. • I support my local independent music retailer, and I am pulling that voting-booth switch for George W. Bush on November 2. • I can order sushi in Japanese, and I believe George W. Bush has great insight and surrounds himself with capable advisers. • I got 700 verbal and 640 math on my SATs—before the scores were recentered—and I believe the president cares about the poor and the powerless. • I own every album ever released by Phil Ochs and am thanked in Michael Schumacher's biography of him, There But For Fortune, for research assistance, and I believe our troops are right to overwhelmingly want Bush over Kerry for their commander in chief. • I received my bachelor's degree in communications from New York University, where Neil Postman gave me an A-minus in Media Criticism, and I am thankful to have a pro-life president. • I hugged Timothy Leary, and I am voting for George W. Bush. • I take public transportation everywhere, and I believe the president is right to oppose the Kyoto Protocol. • John Flansburgh of They Might Be Giants came to my dorm to give me free passes to distribute for their show at Danceteria—they were opening for an upstate band called 10,000 Maniacs, and I believe the Democratic Party has lost its moral compass. • He came up to my room and played my guitar while telling me that the Left Banke music I liked was good, but one couldn't live on "candy floss," and I believe the U.N. is corrupt and should be disbanded. • With all due respect to a great postpunk pop band, people will still be listening to the Left Banke's "Walk Away Renee" long after They Might Be Giants' "Ana Ng" is forgotten—in fact, they are and it pretty much has...and I believe George W. Bush understands the God-given nature of beauty. • I wrote about rock and roll for New York Press, the Village Voice, Mojo, Salon, and Billboard, and I am voting to re-elect the president. • I have written liner notes for compact-disc reissues by the Small Faces, Sagittarius, Julie London, Irma Thomas, the Hollies, the Millennium, Harry Nilsson, Dave Bartholemew,Jan & Dean, P.F. Sloan, Nina Simone, Del Shannon, the Kinks, the Troggs, and dozens of others, and I believe the president's let the deficit get too high—but I still trust him with the economy more than I trust tax-and-spend Kerry. • I used to believe that if I got pregnant, I would have an abortion—and now I believe the president is right to take a strong stand for human life. • I believed that I deserved to have casual sex—even if it put me at risk of "needing" an abortion—because if God was punishing me with loneliness, then it was my right to grab whatever fleeting happiness I could get, and now I believe the president is right to promote abstinence to unmarried youth. • I still get lonely, but loneliness by itself is better than loneliness complicated by bitterness and the sickening casual-sex merry-go-round of using others and being used. • I am better off than I was four years ago. • Iraq is better off than it was four years ago. • America is better off than it was four years ago.
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